The Hill reported a story yesterday featuring the alarming headline, “People Over 60 Account For A Third Of Greenhouse Gas Emissions.” The article explains that boomers spend a lot more money on houses, energy, and food than did their thrifty, WWII-generation parents.

The problem, according to “experts” cited in the Hill’s article, is that seniors have big houses, which let them live off the equity and maintain their gassy carbon lifestyles, instead of moving into smaller houses and downsizing like broke 30-year-olds. This is a problem because it is literally killing sweet old grandma, oops sorry, what I meant to say is that your shameless uncaring grandma is literally killing the PLANET.

My how times have changed, yesterday science said the planet was killing grandma and grandpa but today grandpa and grandma are killing the planet. Now the planet’s oppressed, and news flash you’re related to the oppressors, your grandparents! Not sure about you but I’m going to be needing a scorecard soon just to keep track of who to hate, who’s killing who, and who we are supposed to be protecting.

Anyways, according to The Hill, you selfish boomers are putting us all at risk just by living, whereas people under 30, the “enlightened, virtue signaling ones” who have been indoctrinated to innately fear climate change, have compliantly reduced their carbon emissions by an average of 3.7 tons, while you boomers keep hogging all the energy and polluting the climate with your lifestyle or something. So, like Mr. Myagi says boomers bad, under 30 good!

In closing I know by now some of you are quite troubled by this news and are likely pacing back and forth but before you go and wear out your Birkenstocks, don’t worry, I’m certain we’ve likely got some “experts” who’ve been working on how to solve this gluttonous boomer’s problem for quite some time.

I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before they come up with a worldwide solution to this pandemic, right?